Depression and Therapy

"I wish I could binge, purge, starve, cut myself...

but I'm too afraid to go back to therapy.

I may be medicated,

I'm still broken."

I've been avoiding posting this one, because it makes me so sad.  No matter how much you binge, purge, starve or cut yourself...it will never make you love yourself.  What it does is gives you satisfaction for 10 minutes...I know therapy sucks...I've never been, but goodness...it can't be fun.  There was this guy in my class and he did this blog about his struggle with depression.  He was cutter and had huge anxiety attacks...reading his story might help.  not only does he tell us about his depression...but his struggle through therapy and medication.

http://letmeseeyourscars.blogspot.com/

his story is down at the bottom...the blog consists of things that made him feel better in his darkest hour.  the quotations and words might not hit you as hard as they did for him...but his blog is a map of his struggle and recovery.  I hope this can help...in ANY way.

and for those of you who have never seen a doctor about depression...it's worth it!!! I went with one of my best friends the other day...to their regular doctor.  The doctor had my friend fill out a survey, something that would help him determine how the depression was affecting his patient.  After that, the doctor handed my friend some sample medication and told us to come back in 5 weeks.  that's all it was. plain and simple.  Hopefully this medication works...we'll see.

Carnies

"I have a carnie fetish."

From Wikipedia:

Carny or Carnie is a slang term for a carnival employee,^[1] as well as the language they employ.^[2] A carny is anyone who runs a "joint" (booth), "grab joint" (food stand), game, or ride at a carnival. 

Sexual fetishism is the sexual attraction to material and terrestrial objects while in reality the essence of the object is inanimate and sexless. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes (also known as partialism) in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner. Sexual fetishism may be regarded as a disorder of sexual preference, or as an enhancing element to a relationship.^[1]

i think we all have secret fetishes.  we hide them because we're taught that we should be ashamed of our sexuality.   but we all have our thing, whether we admit it or discover it.  it's only natural! and like wikipedia said fetishes can enhance your relationship.  The more you know about yourself the further you can go...in all the things you do!

Scratch and bleed...

"I scratch myself 'til I bleed to feel good. I wish I could just cut myself but I know after that 1st cut I couldn't stop."

so sad.

The lucky teacher

"I slept with my Spanish teacher."

he took her back.

"Her boyfriend caught us hooking up, I want to be with her but he took her back."

i watched "across the universe" today.

it had some amazing imagery,

and of course,

the music was fantastic.

the story line was weak,

but it was worth the watch.

i found something that i thought you could relate to,

from "across the universe," of course!

Happy Valentine's Day!

"I'm in love with someone but I lied and told him I was over it so he'd still be my friend."

i hate losing people i love...and sometimes the way we avoid that is by lying.  

i don't blame you.

i would've lied too.

here's another great video that i found while surfing the net

it's from:

www.postsecret.com

but i found it on you tube.

have a wonderful valentine's day!! watch out for that bastard named cupid! <3

some food for your eyes:

www.demonhand.blogspot.com

www.laurenmoyer.blogspot.com

www.brittanythomasson.blogspot.com

Eating disorders

"I was bulimic for 6 years"

"I wish I could still be."

I thought these two videos might help, they're by dove and their work to better women's self esteem. i think they're both fantastic!!

>

Playing kissy face...

"I've kissed more girls than boys...but (I) like boys."

Jealousy

"I lied to my fiance about getting flowers from a random guy to see if he would get jealous. :("

I used to think that it was strange that my boyfriend never got jealous.  but then i realized it was something I should be thankful about...a jealous man is an insecure one.

right...??!@!?

Nightmares and Flashbacks, oh my!

"I tell everyone I'm 'tired' or 'fine' but really I'm having flashbacks and nightmares all the time...I don't know what to do. I don't know how to turn it off."

i don't really know how to comment on this...it just breaks my heart.

here are some other things i thought you might wanna check out:

www.thepostitproject.blogspot.com

www.foundinpockets.blogspot.com

Smile for me, baby!

"Don't worry be happy."

I just watched the movie, "American Beauty" the other day, quite a good show.  We had talked about it in class...before then I had grouped the movie with "American Pie," and had never wanted to watch it....not that I don' like American Pie, but American Beauty seemed like a copy cat at the time.  

but ANYWAYS...my point:

when all things go wrong, and there's nothing left to be happy about...the world is beautiful.  In the movie, Kevin Spacey was a depressed man who had nothing left to live for.  But then he sees this beautiful young girl, who made him excited about life for the first time in 20 years.  It seems kinda of creepy but if you notice, there are always roses when the young girl appears in his fantasies...I think he sees something in her that he once saw in his wife.  This young girl was so alive and free...something that his wife used to be but had not become.  Anyways, when he dies, and his flashbacks appear in the end...he says, 

 "I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world.  Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

A lovely thought a day...

"A lovely thought a day keeps the doctor away."

"If only that were true."

Lovely thoughts help me get through the day.

for example:

IT'S FRIDAY!

YAY!

also, here's this photobucket thing I did...i thought it was neat and I wanted to share it:

misplaced shopping carts,
empty oil barrels,
condemned buildings,
totaled cars.

nothing but leftovers.

Good 'Ol Sexuality

"I'm dating him because it's easier than telling him and telling someone else, I love her."

this quote appeared above the other one just a few days later...I had to post it.  Everyone contemplates the possibilities of their sexuality.  They're lying if they tell you otherwise.  I have straight guy friends who have thought that they might be gay...I've thought that I was bisexual...it's normal to think about it...and you're still normal if you're gay.  Things seem hard, but the important people in your world won't care.  best of luck, my love!  Please know that you're not alone.

As I promised...

"I'm afraid of falling in love."

"and that's ok."

Every woman is afraid of falling in love, and once they're in love, they're scared of how vulnerable they are.  Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll never get over the fear of a broken heart, but that seems to be the best solution to get the most out of any relationship.

hmmm...?

I feel GREAT about it!

"I slept with my ex just to ruin his current relationship...and I feel GREAT about it."


Revenge is sweet, always. but unfortunately, my guilt always catches up with me. But if you can keep that guilt at bay, then more power to ya!

Never Have I ever

"I've never written on a bathroom stall before...how exciting"

"me neither, haha"

I tend to shy away from things that I've never done before.  It takes a good elbow to the ribs from someone else for me to have enough courage to do something on my own.  I guess it's because I'm so afraid of failure, that I forget to enjoy the journey.  But there are other people experiencing new things with you and that becomes the most exciting part.  

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing. 
-Oscar Wilde

welcome the blank canvas

"Why would you paint over art in an art building?? rude."

"quit bitching and make something new."

"True, but now we have a blank canvas."

This is a conversation I found on campus, in an art building, obviously.  I was truly sad to see all the old graffiti and writings leave with a fresh coat of white paint, but a blank canvas means a fresh start.  A new place and space for new conversations.  I often find myself wanting to trash old projects and forget they ever existed.  Eventually we fade out the old and make things better.  One thing can't stay the best and greatest forever, or nothing would ever change and progress.  anyways....welcome the blank canvas while still having remorse for your old work.  

ps- i apologize for my.  i know i know...there's no excuse.  but to make up for it my friend Sara found this hilarious video.  it's random, weird and funny...and if you don't appreciate it, then i don't know what you find entertaining.

From Billoon45:

Let GO.

So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown."



It's not that these lyrics are particularly fascinating, but it's the fact that this song has been on my playlist for a while now. It's almost a response to the song I posted just yesterday. There's beauty in everything, according to this, and when we learn to let go and get in to what we've created or what life has given us we can find something to enjoy. hopefully that's true...

here's the wonderful video for

"Let GO"
by Frou Frou

I Don't Know How to be Happy

"I don't know how to be happy."

I know, I feel like everyone around me isn't real sometimes. Seeing everyone else happy, makes me feel even more alone. I feel like people act happy because it's kosher. Or they're oblivious. But there are so many treasures in life...they're hidden amongst everything else, but I swear they're there. I found this wonderful song, it's a little sad, but this artist is amazing. Her name is Kate Havnevik, and the song is "Unlike Me." Visibly, the video is soothing as well. For me, she made me realize that I'm jealous of others that can be constantly happy, but that I'm not alone. I felt relief, when I realized that someone else feels the same way. So, I thought I would share it. Her other music, is excellent as well!!

the lyrics are what got me:

" There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending..."


here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8cUrmCg64A


i'll try to embed the video...it doesn't want to work for me now.

New Friends...

"Nearly everyone I know is disappointing to me. I need new friends."


She said it best.  I've lost a lot of friends over the years and it sucks.  But what sucks the most, is the fact that you really can't do much about it.  This reminded me of the the movie and the book, "Fight Club."  Fight club is great at defining the phrase, "single serving friend."  We've all had single serving friends, we meet them once and then they disappear into the infinite universe.  "Fight Club" is a great recollection of a man's struggle with the world, that book is awesome by the way...if you've watched the movie and loved it, then the book will drive you wild.  

This is so strange by the way...being behind these words, feeling like I have to give advice.  But that wasn't my intent.  I don't feel apt enough to advise anyone else...the point of posting these images, is to make our human connection obvious.  I'm kind of getting the hang of it...hah....right...?