Aspire the World!

"Aspire the world with our beautiful vision."

I found this in a bathroom stall in one of the art buildings.  I didn't really think much about it when I took the image. ( I take tons of pictures at once, i'm more focused on clear images rather than what the words say.)  But now that I'm thinking about it, I feel like this phrase is why I wanted to be an artist.  Art is so powerful and it's becoming more available because of the internet.  Art has such a vital part in my world and the world around me.  Normally I'm driven and hardworking, but every so often I feel defeated.  It's just hard to stay motivated when you know no one is watching.  I have to learn to want things for myself...trully.  Not because I want a good grade or I want to be the best.  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be the best, I just can't let my own ambitions get me down, especially when I fall short.  

I just want people to look at my art, to interact with it and hear my voice.  My art is about the world I live in and the people in it....It's a little difficult when you're just MAKING and not showing. *sigh*

I heard their periods attract bears...

"I heard their periods attract bears."

hahahahahaha.

i thought this was funny.

Changing the World...

"I am so afraid that I will live a life of nothing,

when every night I dream about changing the world."

This happens to be one of my biggest fears.  I've been dreaming big since I was a child, not because I had too much love and support of my parents, but because I wanted to change things about the world.  The older I get the more I realized how much I wanted to impact the world, my goals became more realistic.  Don't get me wrong, I still want to change the world, in my own way.  Through the arts, i guess.  Even through this blog...even though no one really reads it, it's out there, influencing the internet world...in a sense.  The best way to start moving the world is by silly little things...get your thoughts and opinions out there, because they're important.  start here, on blogger, and maybe it'll take you farther.  Don't forget to put your full effort forward, don't be afraid to fail and don't be afraid to believe in yourself.  There's no shame in that.  You will always be your biggest fan.

i thought i would add this short little video, because it's fun and entertaining and sort of pertains to what I was talking about earlier...Pinky and the Brain never give up! Every night, no matter how many times they've failed before, they try to take over the world!

What attracts you to a guy?!!

"What attracts you most to a guy?"

"Nothing, I'm gay!"

"sense of humor"

"his character and heart"

"his respect for my intelligence"

"how he hugs."

"good oral"

"smell"

"if he knows how to rock out!"

there's no picture perfect dream guy...well, there used to be one.  growing up my girlfriends and I would make silly lists of all the things that we wanted in a guy.  his hair color, his build, his eye color, his laugh, your first kiss and everything in between.  so yes, at one point i had a made up some magical guy that could never exist.  he had dark hair and sun kissed skin, his eyes were dark green and he had an fantastic build, believe me!  but just because I had this guy in the back of my mind does not mean that he's what I want or even what i had wanted.  A dream guy is only good for your dreams.  Flaws make us unforgettable and lovable.  So to all the guys reading this right now, don't be discouraged, every woman wants something different.  And i figure that men love the flaws in women as well.  

Perfect is boring.

I cheated.

"I cheated on my husband."

have you told him?

Depression and Therapy

"I wish I could binge, purge, starve, cut myself...

but I'm too afraid to go back to therapy.

I may be medicated,

I'm still broken."

I've been avoiding posting this one, because it makes me so sad.  No matter how much you binge, purge, starve or cut yourself...it will never make you love yourself.  What it does is gives you satisfaction for 10 minutes...I know therapy sucks...I've never been, but goodness...it can't be fun.  There was this guy in my class and he did this blog about his struggle with depression.  He was cutter and had huge anxiety attacks...reading his story might help.  not only does he tell us about his depression...but his struggle through therapy and medication.

http://letmeseeyourscars.blogspot.com/

his story is down at the bottom...the blog consists of things that made him feel better in his darkest hour.  the quotations and words might not hit you as hard as they did for him...but his blog is a map of his struggle and recovery.  I hope this can help...in ANY way.

and for those of you who have never seen a doctor about depression...it's worth it!!! I went with one of my best friends the other day...to their regular doctor.  The doctor had my friend fill out a survey, something that would help him determine how the depression was affecting his patient.  After that, the doctor handed my friend some sample medication and told us to come back in 5 weeks.  that's all it was. plain and simple.  Hopefully this medication works...we'll see.

Enjoy life, then!

"Tempus edax rerum"

"(Enjoy life, then)"

I chose this one for today because I've been completely swamped with "things to do."  not even things that I want to do...but things i have to do.  It's like I have this ticking clock in my head telling me that I'm losing time...precious precious time.  I always go off and make art, when I should really be studying...when I should be running errands...but it seems to me...like all that crap is the waste of time.  Because at then end of the day, i'm artist...i need to be working and producing...no worrying about exams...blah.

i just want to enjoy life.

and i'm always like...

once this exam is over,

then i can.

when spring break starts,

then i can start to just enjoy life.

but my ambition attacks my relaxation.

ahhh...i just can't find the balance.

A little girl on girl...

"I've always wanted to try a girl on girl experience, but I have a BF and no one to explore with."

"Come find me, babe!"

there's no reason to keep this a secret or to feel ashamed.  with the media displaying women as sexy lustful objects, it makes sense that you're curious.  The response to this comment makes me think that there are plenty of girls out there experimenting!  Don't be afraid of what makes you happy.  I have a few Gay forum links in the column to the right.  they might help you feel more connected to others like you.

Rape

"I was raped and I still blame myself even though everyone says it's NOT MY FAULT"

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT  IT'S NOT YOUR FAULTIT'S NOT YOUR FAULT  IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT  IT'S NOT YOUR

 FAULT 

if you still don't believe me...

then you haven't heard it enough.

I have no way to relate to your experience.  But I've been digging online and I've found some sites and forums that I thought were the most genuine and personal.  I hope that you can find them useful...

Pandora's Aquarium

this is a great online forum for survivors of sexual violence. here yo can talk to and message other survivors and supporters.  you have to register, but it's free.  You must be 18 years of age or have parental permission.

After Silence

this is a site quite like the site above. it's a place where there's a chat room and message board. there are survivor stories as well.  this is a non-profit organization. Here you can share your stories and doubts with others who have survived the same thing.

RAINN

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, this is more of an informational and prevention site.  How to prevent and how to support rape victims.  I hope you find this useful.

NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE:

1.800.656.HOPE

free. confidential. 24/7.

for more information on how you can help:

www.rainn.org

Chemistry

"I stole this marker from the chem lab."

ughhhh......

i HATED chemistry.

it's weird where i find most of these quotes.  almost of all of them come from campus buildings, which i find the most interesting...maybe because i'm a college student.  all these comments are from girls that are like me and they're at an age where they're struggling and discovering who they are.  for me...this has been a fantastic journey into the minds of others.  it's been a comfort to read what others think and say...it's an honest human connection.  

but how do you get people to write?

sometimes there are stalls where there have been natural conversations...those are amazing finds.  but lately...there's been a question that stimulates the conversation:

"what's your secret?'

and people are eager to admit.

i hope that you can not only enjoy these conversations

but become involved in them as well!

Religious bystander

"When you think you have no one...remember who paints every sunrise, covers the oval with sparkling white snow, makes the flowers and trees bloom in spring...it's all for you, you're not alone."

i found this comment in response to all the comments about depression, self-esteem and eating issues.  It was meant to be a comfort to those who were suffering.

...

religion is strange.

...

i was raised in the church,

it was a huge part of my life for some time.

once i hit college,

no more church.

and you know what i noticed,

my faith was out of fear.

fear.

and for me, that's not faith.

(i'm not trying to say religion isn't great, it just might not be for me)

but here's the thing about religion,

it might be the only thing left.

the only hope.

whether it's true or not,

it's a thought.

a thought that makes you feel better.

and isn't that enough?

I slept with Jared Leto.

"I slept with Jared Leto but no one would believe me

so I told no one til now..."

this is

Jared Leto:

he's an American actor/musician,

you might recognize him from:

-Requiem for a Dream

-Alexander

-Lord of War

no wonder no one believed you.

Forget regret!

"I have never regretted any impulsive decision,

but rather that I wasted time justifying."

i loved this.

on wednesday night i went to the best concert ever!!  My friend Kendra is in this great band called Karate Coyote.  The link to their myspace is under my music links.  They were fantastic and I think it's awesome that two girls are running the vocals.  Ryan Horn also contributes to the vocals, which makes a fantastic trio!  Don't let these pictures fool you.  I was just on the right side of the stage so i only got pictures of two of the band members. But there's a total of six members.  They have an awesome sound, every member has something unique to bring to the table.  

K A R A T E  C O Y O T E

a t S K U L L Y ' S

Kendra Jados

singing Is That the Best You can do?

her brother Nic is behind her.

Ryan Horn 

playing Empty Space

Kendra playing on her keys!!

this is a little blurry...but as you can see,

there are lots of people on the stage.

Sam Corlett is the other lady vocalist. but she's quite the dancer, so she's hard to catch with my digital camera.  The other members are Nic Jados on bass, Eric Vescilius on guitar and keys and of course Ted Bigham on drums.  but almost all of them play multiple instruments and they bring a unique big band sound.  they're really great and worth checking out!

Lack of loyalty

"I feel more alone the older I get. It's like the world doesn't believe in loyalty anymore."

it's not the world doesn't believe in loyalty anymore,

it's that it never did.

i've learned a lot about the nature of people over the past few years.  

there are so many different kinds and not all of them are genuine. 

be selective.

Love is the movement...

"Love is the movement."

i love this comment...

for a long time now i've felt that our generation has a lack of passion.  i mean...compared to the revolutionary times of our parents and the great change that they saw in the first half of their lives.  i mean...we've got nothing.

until now...

for the first time we have a female presidential candidate running against an African American candidate.  

i never thought i'd see this anytime soon,

does anyone else feel the same?

anyways...our "movement" seems to be about change, love and peace. that surely sounds familiar.  i'm proud to be apart of this revolution of change. how awesome!

here's some inspiration:

Carnies

"I have a carnie fetish."

From Wikipedia:

Carny or Carnie is a slang term for a carnival employee,^[1] as well as the language they employ.^[2] A carny is anyone who runs a "joint" (booth), "grab joint" (food stand), game, or ride at a carnival. 

Sexual fetishism is the sexual attraction to material and terrestrial objects while in reality the essence of the object is inanimate and sexless. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes (also known as partialism) in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner. Sexual fetishism may be regarded as a disorder of sexual preference, or as an enhancing element to a relationship.^[1]

i think we all have secret fetishes.  we hide them because we're taught that we should be ashamed of our sexuality.   but we all have our thing, whether we admit it or discover it.  it's only natural! and like wikipedia said fetishes can enhance your relationship.  The more you know about yourself the further you can go...in all the things you do!

That ONE person...

"I'm afraid of living my whole life without finding that one person who makes my heart beat fast."

sometimes i think

we're all on this desperate search to fall in love.

to find that one person.

but i swear, 

the moment you stop searching,

a random acquaintance

and circumstance,

leads you into love.

life is all about the connections and relationships we make.  you will find that somebody, it just may not be for you right now.  not everyone finds their true love early in life, enjoy growing on your own...the single life has tons to offer! :)

it's monday...

the toughest day of the week,

but it's almost over!

Terrified

"Every single day I'm terrified of losing my mom."

the other day my sister called me looking for my mom, it was weird because my sister still lives with her.  But anyways, my sister said that my mom had left about an hour ago for food and hadn't been back since, she also wasn't answering her cell phone. which is abnormally strange for her.  for a split second I thought something bad had happened, my paranoia kicked in.  That was just for a minute that I was filled with horror.  I can't even imagine how you can deal with the thought of losing your mom EVERY DAY.  I wish I could relate to you and tell you that everything is fine.  But this is a battle that I'm probably too young for.

i'm hoping that there's someone else out there who might respond to this blog with a story...

?

?

?

oh, and sorry that this post was a little messed up yesterday, blogger wasn't letting me edit my posts for some reason. how annoying.  but it seems to be better now.

yay.

enjoy the weekend.

spring is near!

I love girls.

"I date boys but i love girls."

i've found so many girls writing/admitting,

on bathroom stalls,

 that they love girls and not boys.

there have already been three comments that i've found so far

and i'm posting them.

because there must be many other women 

that feel the same.

you're not alone, ladies!!

here's something fun that i created in class the other day...

ENJOY.

Scratch and bleed...

"I scratch myself 'til I bleed to feel good. I wish I could just cut myself but I know after that 1st cut I couldn't stop."

so sad.

Eager for change

"I want a 'mistake child' with my boyfriend, so we can start a family."

wow.  this surprised me.  we all have hopes and expectations in life and for some people, being a parent is essential and fulfilling.  it makes me a little sad, but i don't know if I want kids...well, i know i don't want them now, that's for sure.  the whole child-birthing process doesn't really seem appealing to me.  there are so many dreams that i have for myself.  i'm in a very "selfish self-discovering" part of my life right now...how could i possibly know what to do with a child? i haven't even figured out things for myself yet.

but...some people are made to be mothers and fathers.

seriously...

it's like you can see it in them

before they even have a kid.

if you really want a kid...

work at a daycare center.

i worked at one for like 3 months...

and if i even have children,

i'll be thirty.

The lucky teacher

"I slept with my Spanish teacher."

he took her back.

"Her boyfriend caught us hooking up, I want to be with her but he took her back."

i watched "across the universe" today.

it had some amazing imagery,

and of course,

the music was fantastic.

the story line was weak,

but it was worth the watch.

i found something that i thought you could relate to,

from "across the universe," of course!

Happy Valentine's Day!

"I'm in love with someone but I lied and told him I was over it so he'd still be my friend."

i hate losing people i love...and sometimes the way we avoid that is by lying.  

i don't blame you.

i would've lied too.

here's another great video that i found while surfing the net

it's from:

www.postsecret.com

but i found it on you tube.

have a wonderful valentine's day!! watch out for that bastard named cupid! <3

some food for your eyes:

www.demonhand.blogspot.com

www.laurenmoyer.blogspot.com

www.brittanythomasson.blogspot.com

Eating disorders

"I was bulimic for 6 years"

"I wish I could still be."

I thought these two videos might help, they're by dove and their work to better women's self esteem. i think they're both fantastic!!

>

Playing kissy face...

"I've kissed more girls than boys...but (I) like boys."

Jealousy

"I lied to my fiance about getting flowers from a random guy to see if he would get jealous. :("

I used to think that it was strange that my boyfriend never got jealous.  but then i realized it was something I should be thankful about...a jealous man is an insecure one.

right...??!@!?

Nightmares and Flashbacks, oh my!

"I tell everyone I'm 'tired' or 'fine' but really I'm having flashbacks and nightmares all the time...I don't know what to do. I don't know how to turn it off."

i don't really know how to comment on this...it just breaks my heart.

here are some other things i thought you might wanna check out:

www.thepostitproject.blogspot.com

www.foundinpockets.blogspot.com

Smile for me, baby!

"Don't worry be happy."

I just watched the movie, "American Beauty" the other day, quite a good show.  We had talked about it in class...before then I had grouped the movie with "American Pie," and had never wanted to watch it....not that I don' like American Pie, but American Beauty seemed like a copy cat at the time.  

but ANYWAYS...my point:

when all things go wrong, and there's nothing left to be happy about...the world is beautiful.  In the movie, Kevin Spacey was a depressed man who had nothing left to live for.  But then he sees this beautiful young girl, who made him excited about life for the first time in 20 years.  It seems kinda of creepy but if you notice, there are always roses when the young girl appears in his fantasies...I think he sees something in her that he once saw in his wife.  This young girl was so alive and free...something that his wife used to be but had not become.  Anyways, when he dies, and his flashbacks appear in the end...he says, 

 "I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world.  Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

A lovely thought a day...

"A lovely thought a day keeps the doctor away."

"If only that were true."

Lovely thoughts help me get through the day.

for example:

IT'S FRIDAY!

YAY!

also, here's this photobucket thing I did...i thought it was neat and I wanted to share it:

misplaced shopping carts,
empty oil barrels,
condemned buildings,
totaled cars.

nothing but leftovers.

Good 'Ol Sexuality

"I'm dating him because it's easier than telling him and telling someone else, I love her."

this quote appeared above the other one just a few days later...I had to post it.  Everyone contemplates the possibilities of their sexuality.  They're lying if they tell you otherwise.  I have straight guy friends who have thought that they might be gay...I've thought that I was bisexual...it's normal to think about it...and you're still normal if you're gay.  Things seem hard, but the important people in your world won't care.  best of luck, my love!  Please know that you're not alone.

As I promised...

"I'm afraid of falling in love."

"and that's ok."

Every woman is afraid of falling in love, and once they're in love, they're scared of how vulnerable they are.  Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll never get over the fear of a broken heart, but that seems to be the best solution to get the most out of any relationship.

hmmm...?

Unfortunately

Unfortunately, I do not have a stall comment for this post...but I thought that making a post might entertain me...I'm in class right now, learning about important stuff. Things like, similarity key techniques and probabilistic methods...linguistic things, it counts as my math class. SOO... I really have no true complaints...but i needed a little break.  I feel as if I'm running out of steam...life is coming faster than ever.

here's my list of things to do:
1. finalize my place to live
2. schedule classes
3. study for astronomy exam on friday
4. study for linguistics exam on wednesday
5. BLOG
6. sell some freakin art!!!!


but all I feel like doing is rolling into bed...or painting, or making new curtains for my room.

and I'm on a constant hunt for bathrooms with writing...if you find one, let me know!

next time we talk, I swear I'll have a photograph.

I feel GREAT about it!

"I slept with my ex just to ruin his current relationship...and I feel GREAT about it."


Revenge is sweet, always. but unfortunately, my guilt always catches up with me. But if you can keep that guilt at bay, then more power to ya!

Never Have I ever

"I've never written on a bathroom stall before...how exciting"

"me neither, haha"

I tend to shy away from things that I've never done before.  It takes a good elbow to the ribs from someone else for me to have enough courage to do something on my own.  I guess it's because I'm so afraid of failure, that I forget to enjoy the journey.  But there are other people experiencing new things with you and that becomes the most exciting part.  

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing. 
-Oscar Wilde

Shit Talk

"If she talks down to me, I just think 'she's probably having an outbreak.' 

'herpes queen.'"

Oh ladies, we love to shit talk.  We all do it, a lot.  But then again, we've all been on the other side of those comments as well.  As long as we shit talk, we might as well say it to the person that needs to hear it.  (i know i know...it sucks ass...)

welcome the blank canvas

"Why would you paint over art in an art building?? rude."

"quit bitching and make something new."

"True, but now we have a blank canvas."

This is a conversation I found on campus, in an art building, obviously.  I was truly sad to see all the old graffiti and writings leave with a fresh coat of white paint, but a blank canvas means a fresh start.  A new place and space for new conversations.  I often find myself wanting to trash old projects and forget they ever existed.  Eventually we fade out the old and make things better.  One thing can't stay the best and greatest forever, or nothing would ever change and progress.  anyways....welcome the blank canvas while still having remorse for your old work.  

ps- i apologize for my.  i know i know...there's no excuse.  but to make up for it my friend Sara found this hilarious video.  it's random, weird and funny...and if you don't appreciate it, then i don't know what you find entertaining.

From Billoon45:

Let GO.

So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown."



It's not that these lyrics are particularly fascinating, but it's the fact that this song has been on my playlist for a while now. It's almost a response to the song I posted just yesterday. There's beauty in everything, according to this, and when we learn to let go and get in to what we've created or what life has given us we can find something to enjoy. hopefully that's true...

here's the wonderful video for

"Let GO"
by Frou Frou

I Don't Know How to be Happy

"I don't know how to be happy."

I know, I feel like everyone around me isn't real sometimes. Seeing everyone else happy, makes me feel even more alone. I feel like people act happy because it's kosher. Or they're oblivious. But there are so many treasures in life...they're hidden amongst everything else, but I swear they're there. I found this wonderful song, it's a little sad, but this artist is amazing. Her name is Kate Havnevik, and the song is "Unlike Me." Visibly, the video is soothing as well. For me, she made me realize that I'm jealous of others that can be constantly happy, but that I'm not alone. I felt relief, when I realized that someone else feels the same way. So, I thought I would share it. Her other music, is excellent as well!!

the lyrics are what got me:

" There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending..."


here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8cUrmCg64A


i'll try to embed the video...it doesn't want to work for me now.

New Friends...

"Nearly everyone I know is disappointing to me. I need new friends."


She said it best.  I've lost a lot of friends over the years and it sucks.  But what sucks the most, is the fact that you really can't do much about it.  This reminded me of the the movie and the book, "Fight Club."  Fight club is great at defining the phrase, "single serving friend."  We've all had single serving friends, we meet them once and then they disappear into the infinite universe.  "Fight Club" is a great recollection of a man's struggle with the world, that book is awesome by the way...if you've watched the movie and loved it, then the book will drive you wild.  

This is so strange by the way...being behind these words, feeling like I have to give advice.  But that wasn't my intent.  I don't feel apt enough to advise anyone else...the point of posting these images, is to make our human connection obvious.  I'm kind of getting the hang of it...hah....right...?

The F word

"I can't stand myself"
"then become someone you can stand"

good advice....I wish it was that easy. But maybe the easiest way to relieve dissatisfaction with yourself is just forgiveness and not change. Or, maybe some of us, need both.  I've struggled with being able to notice my flaws without getting tripped up about them.  I feel like I let my mistakes get to me, I let them define a part of who I am.  But in actuality, my mistakes don't define me, because they cause me to change.  

Girl Talk!

"Girl, no one knows what they are doing with their life, if they say they do, they're lying to themselves. (and p.s. life is more fun unplanned!)"

It's nice to have some reassurance. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me knows exactly where they want to be and they know exactly how to get there. I have goals, sure! But do I know what I'm doing with my life? Sometimes I get a grasp, but most of the time my goals are shifting and changing. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one. Because you're not really lost if you're lost amongst a crowd.

Wasted...?

"If life is waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives."

This is a lovely purple wall with a lovely typical first wall post. This may be cliche and over redundant but we should all be grabbing life by the horns...whether we're wasted or not. I don't know whether it's my laziness or not but sometimes I think that maybe we shouldn't be so dramatic as to "grab life by the horns." Instead maybe we could take it by the hand and watch the grass grow...? It could be that my motivation has been worn thin, but sometimes I just run out of oil...maybe it's because I'm not wasted enough.